Day 21

Well its about time I updated, since its been a looong time since I last posted! Or at least it feels like it!! Unfortunately this is not because I have been out enjoying my perfect speech lol but life has taken over for a week or so!

The first day back at work (day 16) was actually HORRIFIC!!! I had to do a suprise presentation in front of basically everyone I actually give a crap about at work! There's some people I couldnt really care less and once I finish this placement I wont ever plan on seeing again anyway... but then there's the others I am training with who I think the world of and some have become life long friends... and of course it is them that I find myself stuttering and spluttering away in front of on my first day back!! I suppose on one hand its lucky because they are all so nice it wasnt a hostile audience, but on the other hand I had to face up to my fears sharpish!! Well my mouth went dry, my lisp got worse and I wanted the group to swallow me up!! I have no idea what it sounded like it anyone else but it sounded awful to me! And I even had a few texts later on with people asking if I was ok because I didnt seem myself and they were worried!! So clearly it was impacting quite significantly!! But no mention of speech so whether they didnt notice, or didnt want to ask I'm not sure!

Next day I was back in the main office... tried to speak as little as possible to colleagues, but had half of my case load in because I'd been off for a while so needed to get back on track with them all! Plus half the office seemed to be off sick or on training/leave so I ended up seeing a whole load of extras as well!! DISASTER!!! Or at least it was to me!! Again I cant be sure whether I imagined the funny looks from my regulars, or the sympathetic looks from the ones i'd never met before!! Everyone seemed to understand me, although the effort of talking was actually exhausting!! I was sooooooo tired when I got home hoping to go straight to bed! However things didnt work out quite as planned and I ended up in A&E until about 2am!! (Before you panic - definitely non brace-related haha! I took someone else!) And the rest of the week has been a blur as I had an unplanned day off (again non-brace related!) and then can hardly even remember the rest because I've been one big blur myself as I have zipped all over the place at the speed of light lol! BUT the biggest thing to note is that nobody has asked me to repeat myself and nobody has asked what is wrong with me!! They either i) havent noticed ii) have noticed but thought it was rude to ask iii) have noticed but decided i must have had it all along but they've never noticed before!! Or iv) couldnt actually care less whether I lisp or not!! Or perhaps a combination! Anyway I've wangled it for now and just keep hoping I'll steadily improve! Its definitely worse in my head than it is out loud, but its also definitely not perfect yet as the trusted few people I have asked who know me well tell me that they do notice slight changes and my mum in particular can see it in my face when i'm not comfortable talking or struggling getting words out!! The worst bit of it is, in my efforts to get my words out properly I seem to have managed to start biting my tongue!! I dont know how, because the changes certainly arent conscious... maybe its something to do with the extra stuff in my little mouth!! But it hurts and it definitely hinders the dream of perfect speech!! Its not all the time tho, and hopefully will go away again as I get more used to it! Aah th joys of linguals!!!!

But despite all my woes its definite progress from the early days where I hid in the house all day to avoid having to bump into anyone! And I've seen most of the people I see regularly now so they either have or havent noticed... nothing I can do about it anyway!!!

Food wise - I just snaffled a bag of crisps!! Definite progress!! If you have a weakness for crisps like me get urself some pom-bears!! They're kinda softer than most crisps but dont get stuck all over the wires like wotsits!! (Yes I have given the crisp selection an awful lot of thought!!) I have also managed pizza, curry and macdonalds so things are looking up!! The cleaning part is still not fun tho - sneaking off to the toilet at work for example to clean my teeth - and the taste is still not quite the same, but I think I just have to accept that! Its better than it was but it will never be as good as when my mouth is my own!! And I still lisp much more straight after eating for some reason so its interesting at lunchtime... although I tend to eat at my desk anyway so I dont think that has really been noticed!!

Well what a big long ramble!! My thoughts seem to come pouring out all at once when I start blogging! Am keeping my fingers crossed for the month mark anyway, that is when the big presentation is so I need more improvements!! Wish me luck!!!